I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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