i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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