One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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