Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
