I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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