There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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