Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
