Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
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Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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