i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
