wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
