Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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