you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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