nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
