I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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