I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
