dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
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Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
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Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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