I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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