My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
