Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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