I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
