THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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