i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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