sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
