Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
