she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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