This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
