i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
