miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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