Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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