I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
