I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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