i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
