I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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