I wish my penis had an off switch
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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