bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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