Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
