4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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