Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
