i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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