i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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