Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
