is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
