I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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