I skipped work to stalk him.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
