Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
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You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
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I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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