I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
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