I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
