my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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