I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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