don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
