I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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