i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
