pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
