I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
