Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
