Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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