quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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